Something all together Different

okay wow I am just about to collapse from stress. Could this week possible get any better? Just to point out a few key events of the day, lets go over the past hour:

So I have to do superlatives for my sorority and my stupid printer is out of ink. I walk down to the dorm computer lab and OF COURSE the stupid thing isn't working as usual. So I walk to the trusty sociology building's lab and I find it closed 5 mins before I got there. Okay thats cool... I'll just walk to Gambrell. Well apparently you have to pay to print stuff there and I couldn't use my special paper. Awesome. Let me go back to the sociology building to see if maybe they will open the lab. Nope. Well I'll walk to good ol' Patterson... across campus mind you... and just take advantage of their lab. I walk in sit down and glance over. "Printer Out of Service." WTF? I just want to print my exam reviews and do the superlatives!!! I'm too damn broke to buy ink for my printer. Seriously... SERIOUSLY!! Good grief. I'm almost out of gas in my car too. Parents banquet is saturday which I'm totally stoked about BUT I have to get this superlatives finished and also do something for the graduating seniors gifts. And FYI to myself... this is just the beginning of my responsibities for next year for ESA because I got nomintated and elected vice president for next year. I'm just so ready for exams to be over and done with. But I have no idea where I'm going to get a job this summer. Any suggestions would greatly help me out. I'm going on a serious job hunt once I get home. I'm going to take about a day or two to relax and then BAM its on! My sister graduates on May 6th and then May 7th I leave for TN with Ryan so he can take care of some final business up there so he can move to Columbia in the Fall. THEN I can start my job this summer and considering the fact that I have oh about $10 in the bank... I'm going to be working all the time! So many things make me really happy right now but then again... I'm super stressed. I just want to be HOME! Uhhh... so I have to go to class. And walk across campus to get there... and my stomach is about to eat itself! And now I have to get up extra early tomorrow morning so I can swing by the lab on my way to class and print my exam review. Or either copy the whole thing by hand which I totally do not see happening because its like 50 questions. I need some booze to ease my stresssss.

Crap.

Meghan and I were thinking about planning a trip to the beach this summer and renting a big beach house for everyone to stay in! We were thinking maybe the trip could take place May 12-19, right after everyone gets out of school! Renting the beach house shouldn't cost more than $100 for the whole week if enough people decide to go. The only thing is, we would need the money for the house by the beginning of April in order to secure the rental! So if you are interested in going, just give me a call or either message me back! We want to get a count of people who definitely want to go so we can find a house and decide pricing and stuff! Much LOVE- Nat

Would any of ya'll be interested in maybe taking a vacation to Cherry Grove this summer and getting a beach house? Meghan and I have been talking about it and we really want to get the old group together and go! Just let me know... I'll be bugging you guys personally about it eventually I'm sure! Love! :)

ATTENTION:

I changed my screen name from pinkstarjd85 to

kissespourmoi

everyone update your buddy lists! :)

Cocaine, meth, and other such drugs are all things that I have almost no personal experience with but I do know that they ruin relationships, lives, and people in general.

Take that however you want to.

I'm too good for you and your trashiness anyways. And I never thought that I could ever think that but I do. I honestly believe that you are suddenly beneath me in someway. I wish I could go back in time and warn you... but I just don't know if that would do any good. You've obviously made poor decisions. Maybe someday we'll cross paths again. I just have this feeling that I will never see you again. Just do me a really really big favor and think about how you want your life to be in 10 years... 5 years... how about picture your life in 6 months and tell me what you see. You can be successful and you can move past all the bullshit that you are caught up in. You won't even read this. But I'm not wasting my time. This is for you because I love you.

You and you and you.

This is for a few people but mostly: this is for me.

I watch too much television. Did you know that Franklin County, MO has more meth labs per square mile than any other county in the whole country. The number is almost double.


On a happier note: school is good. Classes seem like they are going to be breezy this semester. I've decided when and where and of what I'm going to get tattooed. I think I'm transforming again and I like it. I'm becoming more and more of who I am going to be everyday. I feel like my spirit is free finally. I think that my hippie-sheek side is coming to the surface. A hippie with a touch of class. Is that possible? I think so because that is what I want to be.

I'm ridiculously in love. But I miss my friends. Talk about an endless vortex.

Life continues to make me smile.

Well Thanksgiving break has come and gone... it went by too fast. Unfortunately I was unable to go to Georgetown because Samantha got really sick. I pretty much just sat around with Ryan all break except when I went to the movies with Meg, Mary, Marisa, Nicole and Chad (and Ryan of course.) I feel really disconnected from all the people that used to be such a huge part of my life. I really hope I get to see all of my friends over Christmas break. I'll be working a lot probably and then I'm going to Tennessee with Ryan after Christmas. But other than that, I'll be home. And instead of expecting people to call me, people expect me to call you!

I never thought that I would be the girl who would want to spend every waking moment with her boyfriend but I do. I always bitched and complained about girls like that... but now I am one. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite... maybe that just makes me human. I guess I'm really spoiled in a way because Ryan's circle of friends isn't even in South Carolina... all of the people that he considers his best friends are in Tennessee which makes it possible for me to spend all my time with him because I don't have to share him with anyone else. That kind of puts me in an awkward position though because I feel like I'm abandoning him when I want to go and hang out with just my friends on the weekends. We aren't going to see eachother for two whole weeks. That is the longest I've gone without seeing him since we've been together. Two weeks. It seems like an eternity. Sometimes when I'm not with him, it feels as if I'm not even fully living. I hate that feeling more than anything. I just wish that he were here with me. I don't see how people go months without seeing their significant others. I couldn't do it. I can barely go 5 days. It makes me seem really whiney and stupid to get upset about two weeks but seeing how its only Monday and time just seems to be snail crawling by... I'm not sure my heart can take it. Plus this week is going be really boring since its just review in all my classes. Blah.

I'm going to try really hard to be in a really good mood this week. I need to just toughen up and get through these next two weeks so I can enjoy my Christmas break with the ones that I love.

When is everyone going to be back in town?

This birthday was probably one of the best ever birthdays I have ever had in my 20 years.. I really didn't do anything spectacular. I didn't get drunk, I didn't have a party, and I didn't get naked in public but I did get lots of messages from my fabulous friends and my entire sorority it would appear left me facebook wall messages. I am just so happy and content with my life. I love Ryan, I love and miss my friends from far away schools... hell I miss my friends in Columbia because I never really get to see anyone anymore even though they live 5 minutes from me. Its hard to balance the boyfriend at home with the friends at school, but I'm going to try and get better at managing.

Although I am quite happy right now... I do have some annoyances that I would like to share.

1. Links that say that they are one thing but then they trick you to lead you somewhere else.
2. Boring away messages. If you are going to take the time to put up an away message, make it a good one!
3. Stinky trash that smells like last night's dinner.
4. Weekends that go by too fast.
5. Monday.
6. History tests that cover like 100 years of European history.
7. Parking tickets.
8. Putting away clean laundry.
9. The fact that I didn't get a ticket to the Florida game which shall prove to be a good one. But I kind of wanted to go home this weekend again anyways.
10. The fact that I can only think of 9 annoyances and I can't make it an even 10! Bah!

But what makes me happy is that I have the greatest friends in the world and it only took my 19 years to find the love of my life! :)

And class.

SEVEN THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
1. My unmade comfy bed!
2. A picture collage
3. Lots of pictures in frames
4. A bookcase full of food
5. Various articles of clothing
6. My computer
7. A box full of ESA business
TOP SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY MOST:
1. Shut-up
2. For real
3. I love you.
4. I have emotionally checked out.
5. Definitely.
6. Whatever.
7. And in true valley girl fashion "I was like..."

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. Ryan.
2. My bestests.
3. The fam.
4. Tuna salad croissants
5. Apparently an education
6. Make-up
7. Peanut butter pie.
SEVEN THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get a tattoo
2. Marry the love of my life.
3. Have babies.
4. Graduate from USC.
5. Live in a big lakeside house.
6. Travel.
7. Ride on an airplane.
SEVEN OTHER THINGS:
Do You:
1. Believe in God?: I do.
2. Ever have dreams that come true?: Yes.
3. Read the newspaper?: I read the Gamecock every Mon. Wed. and Fri.
4. Pray?: Every night.
5. Have a job?: Technically yes. My job at Beef O'Brady's is still available
6. Attend church?: Nah.
7. Wish on shooting stars?: Everytime I see one.
Have you ever:
1. Gone skinny dipping?: yes.
2. Had surgery?: Nothing major... only wisdom teeth.
3. Swam in the dark?: Yep but my g-parents have a light in their pool.
4. Been to a Bonfire?: Yes and I love them!
5. Ran away from home?: I threatened to
6. Played strip poker?: Yea.
7. Pulled an all nighter?: Lord yes.
SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS:
Have you...
1. Cried?: Yes.
2. Sang?: In car.
3. Been kissed?: Yes!
4. Felt stupid?: Yes as a result of my crying on the phone.
5. Talked to an ex?: Nope.
6. Missed someone?: So much it hurt to breathe.
7. Hugged someone?: Yes. My fam. and Ryan when we were leaving to come back to Cola.
SEVEN FAVORITE MOVIES:
1. Fried Green Tomato
2. Clueless.
3. The Seven Year Itch
4. Blow
5. Crazy/Beautiful
6. Closer
7. St. Elmos Fire
SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS:
1. The Scientist - Coldplay
2. #41 - Dave Matthews
3. She Talks to Angels - Black Crowes
4. This Years Love - David Gray
5. Fix You - Coldplay (pretty much all Coldplay)
6. Josephine - The Wallflowers
7. She Paints Me Blue - Something Corporate

I haven't updated in forever so here it is...

Life in Columbia is going pretty good. Living with Mary is awesome because we just really understand eachother. Its really weird being on campus while most of the people I hung out with last year are off campus. Carolina is steadily becoming barable without Ryan. It is still really hard being away from him but I know that I belong here and I really want to stick it out and graduate from USC- although transferring became almost irresistable at times. I have roots here now, even though I try to deny them and I think that I could leave at any point but I just love this place so much.

It has really been hard dealing with Brett and Blake's deaths. I just can't imagine what it is like for their families and their close friends. The news just devastated me... it just seems so unnatural for people our age to be dying. All three guys had so much to live for and hope for. It is definitely times like this that I question God's plan and his intentions.

I've been thinking a lot about old friends... mine helped shape me into the person that I am today- and they definitely deserve a big hug! I need to make some road trips to places other than simpsonville soon...

LOVE!

Today definitely packed a wallop. Wallop? Yes. I said wallop. Work was awful... so f*ing busy and I didn't even make 30 bucks because I had the stupid Party Room and only had like 4 tables all night that just camped out in there. Whatever. The kitchen got really backed up and a lot of the food was getting messed up so I stepped in to try and run the window and thus just got yelled at by servers and the boys in the kitchen. I got conned into closing as well... but I'm home now and about to go to bed and that is glorious.

I heart Kaylin.

I thank God everyday that he brought Ryan Cole into my life. After feeling what I feel for him- I never want to be alone again. I think sometimes about what life was like without him... I feel like I have found the other half of my heart that I felt like I was missing for so long. He is literally everything that I have ever wanted. Whenever I feel myself slipping, he is there to catch me with his strong arms and pull me back to sanity.

I know that I definitely have not been the best at keeping in touch with people this summer. I had so many plans of catching up with people that I have missed dearly- but instead I have been working pretty much every damn day. When I read Chad's post today and Emily's comment... I realized that I should/could have done better about calling and such. It is really hard to balance work, friends, and falling in love.

I really do love you guys. Truly.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately
About certain situations.
I really didn't mean to
compromise a friendship
But sometimes these things just happen.
I felt scorned...
I met someone great...
I should have let you know.
I'm not going to say I'm sorry
because then I'd be a liar
I guess I'm just trying
to a right a wrong
But I'm not sure how.
Life is complicated
and I don't always know what to say
But I do know that you were
really a true friend to me.
I hope that things aren't bitter
and I hope that its okay
for us to be friends again.

Happy 4th everyone! I've tried to get in touch with most everyone but I'm just going to post this little bit of info...

My parents are out of town and I have a huge backyard that would be perfect for some party action- including some great fireworks displays! Everyone is welcome and encouraged to stop by! :-D Its BYOB and I have a grill and what not in case anyone wants to BYOM as well!

If you need directions- here ya go!

Take Fairview Rd down toward Fountain Inn past CVS and Ross and what not.
Take a Right onto Jenkins Bridge Road (it seeks up fast. its between a little church and an old gas station! If you get to Pumpers, turn AROUND for you have gone too far!)
Take a RIGHT into Harrison Hills (the 2nd neighborhood on the RIGHT)
My house is 224... 9th house on the right!

Call me if you are coming or get lost or have any questions! 864-238-4903!

Sometimes my heart still hurts for you... can you feel it?

I really don't want to work tonight or tomorrow. I just want to sleeeeep. I get to work with my favorite people tonight though! I had the stupid party room last night so I only made like 20 bucks... which is not good at all for a friday night. But they did move me to 2nd cut instead of closer which rocked. I was supposed to go to Ryans after work but I fell asleep before he called. The plan is the same for tonight though... and we are supposed to get off at the same time but we'll see what happens!
Life is good. I love the way my name sounds as it escapes his lips. Could this be the real thing? We'll see. The summer is going by too fast. I want to take every moment and stretch it to make it last as long as possible. I'm trying to live in the present but I can't help thinking about what is going to happen once I head back to school.

I went and bought a new cd player for my car today at circuit city but they can't install it until tomorrow! One more day of listening to the radio won't kill me I suppose... or will it?

This summer has definitely been a good one but I'm missing a lot of people. I need to find the energy to actually do things on my days off so I can start hanging with the loves of my life!

I never want this feeling to fade away. This feeling that I am feeling at this exact moment... if I could feel like this forever, my life would be completely and utterly perfect. I wish I could rip myself open and just let all this happiness flow out and give everyone a chance to feel it. I want everyone to have a little piece of what I have right now because I know that the world would be a better place if they did. Everytime I'm with him, I just can't help but smile from ear to ear.

I've learned to absolutely love the little things about our relationship-

• The way he moves when he plays Angel on his guitar and how he always finishes it with a big smile on his face
• Stealing kisses at work when nobody is watching
• The way he just leans in slightly to smell my hair when we're watching TV and then acts surprised when I catch him doing it
• When he holds my hand while we're driving
• The way he laughs at me whenever I say/do something stupid and then wraps his arms around me when I get mad about it
• Going to wal-mart at midnight just so he can buy the new Dave Matthews cd and then sitting in his truck listening to it
• Eating ice cream by the Neely Farms pond and listening to the frogs "talk" to eachother
• And last but not least... corner kisses in the rain.

I feel like I have known him all my life and I want to see him every second of every day... Just listening to him talk, even telling ridiculous stories, makes my heart beat a little bit faster. I never imagined I could be this happy... I can hardly contain myself.

 

Ryan and I went to the movies tonight and about an hour into our movie, the fire alarm went off... great first date, huh?!??! :)

Note to self... no more caffeine at midnight right before bed. I drank a big glass of sweet tea when I got off work and then I went to sleep. But I only slept for 3 hours and now I am wide awake. Tonight was a pretty hectic night at work- but Mary, Mel Kel, and Billy all came in and sat in my section which made the night so much better!

I think I have done a lot of growing up lately. I think I am finally realizing what is truly important in life.

I have met someone and I don't think I can ever remember being this happy. He makes me feel so... alive. I am really glad that I didn't settle on the first thing that came along like I almost did. I was so close to just saying "Alright, I guess this is it." and now to think what I would have missed out on blows my mind. I am trying not to do the typical Natalie thing and become paranoid and second guess myself about everything... but like Kaylin said, if I can make it past the 3rd week, the worrying should stop. Ryan hasn't given me any reason to 2nd guess though. He is unlike any person that I have ever known... and I'm just simply happy. :)

There are so many people that I have yet to see/really hang out with this summer... Kacie, Mark, Brett, and J.Bum just to name a few! This summer has started off kind of strange because I haven't even really seen any of the USC kids that I literally spent every night with. Hopefully once everyone gets settled into their new jobs or back into their old ones and people finish up with classes and such there will be more time to hang Old-School style!

I just want you to know that although times have changed, I still think that you are one of the few people that truly knows me.

Plan for tomorrow-
Sleep in.
Tan.
Go to Wal-Mart/Bi-Lo.
Hang w/ Ryan.
Make definite plans for tomorrow night with Meg and Lauren.
Fulfill said plans. :)




And... SCENE!

Today I woke up, watched TV, went and got my haircut and then came back home and tanned. Now I am just sitting and listening to Bright Eyes and thinking like usual. I can't decide if I really like living my days out like this- it feels like I am always waiting on something to happen, someone to call, or even just something to do. It is good to be able to relax and such during the summer but I am already getting stir crazy and it is only May 11th. I guess I perhaps just need to find a job or just learn how to entertain myself.

I really have a lot on my mind right now and I know that certain people are sick of hearing about it. But I am the type of person that just has to analyze the hell out of everything. I know that I just need to figure out how I feel because honestly this all just doesn't make sense. I think I have just fallen into a really comfortable situation... no obligations and no restrictions. But I'm not sure that is what I want. I just keep thinking that there is something more out there for me- and I am not going to wait around. My head is filled with all these contradictions. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face but other times I just want him to hug me... just a little bit of affection goes a looooong way with me. I wish that there was something someone could say to just makes things click and then I would be able to say "Ok, now I know what I need to do." But unfortunately life is not that easy.



Oh but the truth is- my heart still aches for you. Do I even exist to you anymore? Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see your face as clearly as if you were standing right in front of me. Lord I'm a wreck over you still- who am I kidding?

Why can't I stop thinking? ;-( I'm beyond irritated right now and the worst thing is, I can't even call you...

"I can't help it baby, this is who I am..."

I'm not really sure why I can't sleep. For the second night in a row, I am up until 4:00. Maybe my sleeplessness is due to the fact that I am so damn worried about my religious studies exam... although I haven't even started preparing for it. Maybe it is because my bed is so lonely. Maybe it is because I am so angry with myself because I still desperately want the closure from you that I know you aren't going to give me- I really just want to know that you actually cared about me at one point. Even if it were only for a split second, if you cared about me at all, I guess all the pain that I went through was worth it.

I only have 3 days left in Columbia and I really have mixed emotions about it. It has surely been a roller coaster year- with tons of ups and downs that has made this year totally unforgettable. I'm really happy with the way that my life is right now. I have great friends, great family, and a great future. Sometimes I feel like something is missing and I'm really not sure what it could be.

I never expected freshman year to end up the way that it has. I never in anyways expected to be as close to some of the people that I am closest to now. Like Justin for example. We are truly complete opposites but we mesh. The way that he gets so damn intense about the stupidest things makes me smile and I know he just loves how Emily and I have truly given him some insight in the female mind- like why we have to change clothes everytime we leave the room or why he can't just yell at us for stupid reasons and not expect us to get a hurt look on our faces. And like Pat and David- although we were friends in high school, I never expected to spend every single night with them. You guys are the greatest... you best try and make some time for me this summer. I know its going to be hard juggling work and the band but hey- you gotta show some love for your favorite groupie! ;)

I couldn't have made it through this year without Mary and Emily- they literally held me together through some tough times. Emily: I am going to miss our before bed talks. I'll probably have to come over to your house in the middle of the night this summer and crawl in bed with you!
And what can I say about my Mary?? Even though I didn't get to hang out with you as much these past couple of weeks because you actually decided to study this semester (unlike some of us! HA), I wouldn't have made it through without your Mary-isms! You give the best advice and I love you for that! ;)

And all the new people I've met- Lyko and the entire 3rd floor of Snowden, Mandy-Patandy, Tyler and Mike, James, Alice, Danny (definitely the hottest boy I've ever had the pleasure of seeing up close) Clary, MichShorter-Pants and the other two freshman (Sarah-Oh-O and Little Dan) that helped make up the fab four, everyone of my amazing sorority sisters, and all the other kids that I've met definitely changed my life.

Ok defintely didn't mean to make this a sappy post.

I can't wait for this summer and to see all the people that I hardly got to see this year. I can't wait for girls night, going to Coffee Underground, and probably being bored most of the time- but being bored with the greatest people in the world.

Out of the 24 hours in the day- 2:00 AM is my least favorite hour.

For those of you that I haven't talked to- Emily had a seizure last night at about 2:00 AM. She is doing good but she is at the Palmetto Baptist Hospital in room 308- the number there is (803) 296-5010. She is going to be in for the rest of today and possible tomorrow as well. I know that she would love to her from some of you guys! Either call her room or her cell and leave her a message or call me and I'll relay the message when I go to the hospital later today. :)